Black Water Gold was a made-for-TV movie that came out in 1970. And what a cast. There's Keir Dullea, fresh off his starring role in 2001: A Space Odyssey; France Nuyen, whose portrayal of the Dolman -- the barbarian queen who rocked Captain Kirk's world in the original Star Trek -- is still burned into our collective memories here at Blue Sphere Pubs; Bradford Dillman, a staple on TV back in the late 60s/early 70s; and Ricardo Montalban -- need we say more! Of course not. A dive movie with a cast like this must be incredible, right? It has to be, huh? Oh, the pain. Black Water Gold is a stinker.

The plot revolves around sunken Spanish treasure off the Bahamas, and the trio disparate personalities that come together to find it. There's the unpredictable American, the studious European, and the passionate though uneducated Hispanic. Throw in a bizarrely effete rich boy/bad guy and his dragon lady girlfriend, and they've pretty much covered all the required stereotypes.

We wish we could find something, anything, to like about this movie -- beautiful reefs, interesting wrecks, vintage dive gear, France Nuyen getting wet (hey, throw us a frickin' bone here) -- but there's just nothing. How the producers convinced this cast to appear in this movie is a mystery. There are approximately 15 minutes of underwater footage, none of which are particularly interesting. Luckily for us, we picked up Black Water Gold on sale at the dollar store so we're really only out the 90 minutes we spent watching it. We plead with you not to make the same mistake. For what it's worth, Black Water Gold is available on DVD.